Saying goodbye to old patterns and believing in a new reality
The other day I found an old journal entry that I'd written when I was in my first year of university. It was a list of things I wanted; not material things (surprisingly) but more a list of qualities and habits and ways of being I wished I possessed. Things like: to have friends I was inspired by, to stop overthinking and comparing myself to others, to start writing my own book, to feel comfortable, happy, and healthy in my body, to be better at staying in touch with people who were important to me.
The final item on the list read,
"To get to a point with myself where I don't need to make list like this because it'll all just be natural to me... :( " (Yes, that sad face was there. I was, apparently, not feeling very good about myself at the time)
It's funny I found this old list because it encompasses a lot of what I've been thinking about lately. How over the last year and, especially in the last 6 months, I've been intentional about building a life that I love. And I've been so amazed, grateful, and in awe at how much has changed and how happy I feel every day and it's because; I've put in some really, really, hard work to even allow myself the possibility of the amount of love and support and energy that I'm feeling now.
I'm of the belief that no matter how much you might want something, unless you do the work to get rid of all the emotional and spiritual blocks to manifesting those things for real, it just can't happen. I think back in my life of how I wanted certain things so badly, take building a healthy lifestyle as an example, and it seemed impossible that I could one day just live a certain way without it feeling like a grind or a battle of willpower. I wanted my whole being to exude health and wellness and I wanted it to just be who I was. It took time and dedicated work to dig into myself and figure out what it was that prevented me from feeling like I could have that kind of life (for me it was believing that I just didn't deserve it) and making a mental effort every time I had a limiting thought to override that belief. Now, being healthy and making decisions that align with that come naturally, just like I'd wished for in my early-adult journal.
Back when I wrote those things down I thought I had work really hard and kick old habits and enforce new ones. I thought it was about changing behaviour and if I couldn't manage that, that meant I was weak and I just sucked at life. Other people could do it, they could have all the things I wanted, but it wasn't for me. Today I know differently. Today I know it's about removing those blocks (blocks being limiting self beliefs) that are in my way to having everything I want. Not in a greedy, indulgent, or glutenous kind of way; but in a way that I honestly believe every single person can have the life they dream of. We can have everything we want. The forms it takes to have those feelings will vary person to person, but the underlying feeling that we all want is the same. We all want the love, the sense of safety, peace, and joy. We also, all, can have it.
I've been feeling really good about the places my desires have gone to. My desires nowadays are to have focused energy going towards things that I love and that mean something to me. As opposed to so much of my life, where I've put what other people want or what I believed was expected of me before what I truly felt in my heart. I admit that I struggle with keeping focus on executing the things that have tangible outcomes. For example, writing a book is something I always seem to be working on, but motivation and actually sitting down to write comes in fleeting waves. I've had an idea of building a group of people who get together and connect with each other by being open and vulnerable and sharing experiences in a space where there isn't judgment, only support; and I'm only now getting the ball rolling on it. It's that belief that I don't deserve it all. The classic, "who do I think I am to start this group, to write that book, to start that podcast...etc.?"
I'm considering this a public admission that I kind of suck at seeing my ideas though.
Wait, that's not entirely accurate.
I kind of suck at seeing my big ideas, my heart ideas through. The ideas that set my soul on fire, the ones that my inner dialogue has a very convincing story ready to read off to me if I get to excited telling me that if this thing flops, I'll be devastated because it actually meant so much to me. The stakes are high, and that's when it gets scary for real.
So, it's another opportunity for me to look at what's in the way. What belief is poking up to tell me that this thing I'm dreaming of isn't realistic, it's not for me, it's too much or it's too out there, or other people have already done it so what's the point? The reasons for not doing the things are infinite. But, I've done enough work up to this point of my life where I don't believe that narrative as much as I used to. The story is still there, but instead of retreating quickly back to my corner like I used to, now I feel more of an, "Oh yeah? Watch me" kind of response. It's new to me! I've literally never been the one who, when faced with a challenge said, "watch me, I'll prove you wrong". I've always been the, "I'm so sorry, you're right, I'll get back to my quiet place in the corner" kind of girl. And, you know what? It feels really, really friggin good. It's only a taste of this new way of being, but I like it. It's intoxicating, it feels freeing and empowered and it feels like the woman I want to be and I can't un-taste it. I can't un-feel it.
So, that's where we are. I'm in new territory, unchartered for me. It's scary and feels vulnerable as fuck, but I'm doing it. And every bit of resistance that comes up I will remember to say thank you, but no thanks, and choose the new story that I can have everything. I deserve it and I will embody it and I'll take every chance that is offered me because playing small and playing safe isn't interesting anymore.