A little life update since having a baby, getting pregnant again, moving to the country, and completely overhauling our lives <3
It has been a WHILE since I sat down to write. No coincidence that shortly after my last blog I gave birth to my first child, and today, nearly 9 months later I have the mental energy to do it. The truth is I've had so much on my mind the last couple of months and things I want to share and say but days go by in the blink of an eye and often it's all I can do to just keep the house running and the baby alive and well. So I'm grateful for this time and the mental space for writing.
I'm not even sure anyone has the attention span to read anything longer than an instagram post these days. Are blogs even still a thing? I don't know, but when the urge to write is here I can't pass it up. So let's dive right in because a lot has changed in the last 9 months, even more in the last 3. When I wrote last, I was very pregnant, living in the suburbs of Edmonton, spending my days waddling around the neighborhood and finding myself wading deeper into wholistic health and wellness. I was finding myself cooking bone broth from scratch, attempting to bake sourdough (I killed my starters a few times and finally gave up-for the time being), reading about childhood vaccine schedules, homeopathy, natural remedies, and listening to podcasts about "alternative"-but realistically-quite simply, more back to nature type ways of living and being. It was like I was coming back to knowledge my innate self knew, deep down, and it was being re-awakened.
Once my child was born, at home witness by just myself, my partner, our midwives, and our dogs, my entire focus was on him. We were in a little bubble of feeding, changing, sleeping. I've never spent so much time on the couch but with that little baby snuggled up against me it was the best thing in the world. We did, however, have our struggles. The most major was breastfeeding. I haven't talked a lot about this time because I just didn't have the energy, and it's a lot to unpack. But basically my body just never produced very much milk. My baby was losing weight and seemed hungry all the time, despite being latched to me for most of the days and nights. Eventually I broke down and bought formula, something I'd previously turned my nose up at, but I felt I had no other option. My son was hungry and my body, for whatever reason, wasn't providing enough. When I say this was the greatest heart break of my life, I don't exaggerate. I've never felt so awful about myself as I did at this time. I wanted to feed my baby my own milk so badly and it felt like such a disappointment, I felt like such a failure I can't even describe it. But, I had to work though those things because as soon as he was being topped up with formula he perked right up. He was happier, slept better, and started gaining weight as he should. I'm in eternal debt to my sister who, upon receiving a crying phone call from me while I drove to the store to buy formula said to me,
"Lauren, I know you hate that it has ingreditents you don't like...but he's going to eat McDonalds and dunkaroos one day..." And I laughed-for the first time in a while, and a load lifted off my shoulders.
Enough about that. It was a hurdle, and a tough one. But we made it, I have a healthy baby and I'm no less of a mother than one who breastfeeds. That's what I learned. I also learned a lot of compassion for other mothers who formula feed. It's a weirdly touchy subject, breastfeeding is. And I feel like I got a crash course in the nuances and ups and downs, unfortunately at a time when my hormones were out of control and I could barely understand who I was most of the time. Anyways, I digress.
I also had a period of time where I felt like I was very disconnected from myself. It took me a little while, probably a couple months, but I realized it was a time of grieving. Sounds strange maybe, but I was grieving my life before having a baby. The transition from maiden to mother is a real one; not just some folklore, crunchy, woo-woo shit. Once you've had a baby you are not the same as you were before. There are others who articulate this much better than I feel I can in this moment, but I felt like this was a moment to grieve the maiden. The girl who had no one relying on her for life. The girl who could exist in a space of self-indulgence and selfishness. Not in a bad way, just in a way that has consequences only to herself. It's different.
During this time I felt very anxious and a lot of fear was coming up. I felt like I was missing out on things, I felt like I'd never feel like "myself" again. I cried a lot. Honestly I worried for my sanity in some moments. Thankfully my partner was always there to remind me that this was just a phase, and that my hormones were playing a big part in it as well. So I rode it out, and eventually the fogginess lifted.
Interestingly enough, around the time I was starting to feel strong again, I got pregnant again. I had exactly one period and four months of not being pregnant before I started noticing an oh-so-familiar nausea and queasiness that clued me into what was happening. This is when things really picked up!
A second pregnancy changed a lot for us. We realized that we needed to make sure my partner could keep his job (we'd previously been tossing around the idea of a change) at least for a while, and we also knew we didn't want to continue living in suburbia. So we set out in earnest searching for an acreage out of the city. Far enough to feel like we had space but close enough for him to commute to work. After a time of looking at a lot of places, a few disappointments, a bunch of tears and a whole lot of morning sickness (which for me is 24/7 nausea and exhaustion) we finally found our home. Our house sold, and our possession date was set. This all happened in the span of about two months.
So, moving sucks and is a lot of work at the best of times. Doing it while in the first trimester (Hell-mester I renamed it to) while looking after a 6 month old baby who is starting to crawl everywhere is another level. I was so exhausted, felt so nauseous all the time but we had to get it all done! I'm so grateful for friends and family who came to help and made it happen, and the day we took possession was such an amazing feeling. The house we bought was built in the 70s and is all original. Outside looks like a big red barn and inside is like a mountain cabin vibe with all cedar plank walls, big wooden beams and all wood everywhere. There's a wood burning fire place, high loft ceilings in the upstairs bedrooms, and two balconies off the front of the house. It's an absolute dream. Of course, being older, it has lots of work to do (first order of business is new windows) but nothing is immediately necessary but there's loads of projects and we get to do it all in our own time.
Once moved in, it felt like everything shifted for me. Finally, after all those months (and years earlier in my life) of investigating and feeling out how I want to live my life, I finally felt like I was in the physical space to really become who I am meant to be. We set out to work immediately and dug out garden spaces (borrowing neighbours tractors to dig up the grass and till the earth). We planted two enormous gardens, both filled with enough veggies to keep us going all winter if everything harvests! My fiancé got to work clearing brush and building fences to keep the dogs home while I trimmed out old, dead plants and flowers that had taken over the yard and what once were gardens from a previous owner. We raked up years worth of pine needles and branches, revealing a lot more yard than we realized! As we worked we found evidence that someone who lived here before really loved it and obviously put a lot of work and care into. It was long since over grown but it felt like a treasure hunt for a few weeks while we uncovered several unique features around the property.
It's hard to explain how great it felt to me to doing outdoor work, on our own property, with my son strapped on my back (or on his daddy's front), growing a new little life, and putting in work to build our home. We were gifted with unbelievable weather and getting to watch the seeds we planted sprout and grow into a, now, flourishing garden has been amazing. When I get too tired (growing a second human so soon after a first is seriously major) I get to rest and play with my boy who is absolutely loving the acreage life. He crawls around the grass, picking and eating dandelions and clover. Then makes his way into the gardens where I have to chase him around and keep him from eating rocks or pulling the plants apart. Picking ripe strawberries off our plants and sharing them together. I feel so lucky that this is the life he gets to know.
I've also started foraging in our forest for medicinal plants I can pick and dry. Nerding out HARD on natures gifts and supplementing myself with things like nettles and rose hips, Reishi, and milky oats to support my nervous system and nourish my body while it does all this heavy duty work. I recently sourced raw milk from nearby farms and am incorporating a lot more nutrient dense foods like that, along with raw honey and farm fresh eggs and meats. Starting the day standing on the ground outside with the sun in my eyes and my raw milk latte in one hand and my 20 lbs baby in the other feels like I've realized my dream. We walk down to the garden together and say good morning to the plants, tell them they've got a great day ahead of growing and they're doing great. Admiring the squash that are already as big as my head, marvelling at the hundreds of little green tomatoes, the flowers on the potatoes and peas. Noticing the literal thousands of honey bees hard at work in the massive bush beside our house. I'm overflowing with gratitude for the life we're living and building.
Alas, I digress and will stop rambling. It's time to eat and that baby of mine will be waking up shortly. If you've made it this far I thank you for reading and I hope it instills a bit of inspiration to take steps toward however you want your life to look, at wherever starting point you're at now. Anything can happen, and change can be faster than you think. Big Love